Rheumatoid arthritis- at least now I know that my pain and discomfort have a name. Most of all I am very irritated that I have to do this "alone". It is just really awful that I can't just call my mom up and talk to her about it. Even as I type those words I am still not sure they are real. But the past few weeks have been all too real. Most things kind of ran together. Minutes became hours and before I knew it days became weeks. It was just over a month ago that I went and saw my mother for the weekend. If only I had known that would be the last time I saw her. . .I would have done things differently. Not that there was anything I did that I don't think I should have. But if I had known that those days would be the last that I would spend with my mother here on earth, I would have savoured each moment and tried to remember it. I would have spoken every unspoken word of praise and love I felt. I would have taken pictures so that I could have something to hold on to instead of just the memories in my head. Even though she was sick for some time, I am still in shock as I think about her being gone from this world. I feel as if it is all some horrible dream. I suppose one reason I feel this way is that I never really got a chance to say goodbye to her at all. I went and saw her before she died, but she did not recognize me. That was hard for me. I suppose you can say that I don't feel like I had closure. I just feel empty. And sore. . . more later. . .

My mom passed away on Feb 1, 2007

http://groups.msn.com/MaeDimes/_whatsnew.msnw

I will write more soon.

Update. . .long over due

Thanks, Betsy for the reminder. . .it has been too long since I updated my blog.

I am doing laundry for my weekend trip to see my mom. She has 3 brain tumors and is undergoing radiation for them as well as chemo. Her spirits are really good and she says she feels pretty good. I am visiting for a couple of days with out the kiddos. Ralph and them will fend for themselves this weekend.

My kids have gotten over their HATE for me because I gave the kitty away. Smokey certainly had be hooked. Too bad my allergies decided to flare up! I really wanted to keep her, and if you know me at ALL, you know how weird that was! She wrapped me around her paw from the moment she got stuck in the spare tire of my van! We brought her in out of the freezing cold to our kind of cold sun room. The next day the kids convinced me to let her upstairs for a little bit. Then she was up all the time. Before you know it I was buying her presents everytime I went to the store! She would climb on my lap then up my chest and put her head on my shoulder and fall asleep! The kids got over the HATE because the kitten has been given to our friends and neighbors, so pretty much they can see her when they want to. . .and my allergies don't get attacked when I come into my own home.

Been busy doing the PTA stuff and going to Curves and just doing general stuff for the house and kids. Will try to update more later. . .got to finish laundry and make dinner. . .almost forgot about that, the family wants to eat EVERY day now! LOL

Fighting and dying with my Supergroup!

OK, so now I am just irritated! I have been looking for weeks for the Nintendo Wii. Why did'nt I look earlier you ask? Well, because I did not have an extra $250 laying around! And I can't afford to buy it from eBay because there are yahoos like this one. Give me a break! And it is people like this one who really really tick me off! That and the guy sitting on his couch surrounded by 13 Wii systems! Come on people, no wonder they are sold out! And then there is this idiot!

I have been calling and going into countless stores asking if they had the Wii in stock only to be told NO EVERYTIME! Oh a few times I was told, yes I had 5 yesterday and one person bought them all. ARGH! I have 5 kids who just want one and cant find it at retail price. Oh yeah I can find it on eBay for $500 and up, but not anywhere near retail! A lot of people are making a lot of money at the expense of a LOT of families and it makes me sick!

My mom

Well, my mom is in the hospital. She went to the oncologist yesterday because she was sick and vomiting and generally feeling awful. She had chemo on Tuesday. Her oncologist sent her to the ER where they ran tests and ended up admitting her. The tests reveals that she has 3 lesions on her brain now as well as pancreatic problems related to her lung cancer. This afternoon when I first spoke to my step father I was just in shock. He told me that they thought it was pancreatitis. That is what my father died from when I was 7 months old. He was misdiagnosed and by the time they discovered what it was he was already in shock, so there was nothing they could do about it. Hearing my step father say that was not good, I can tell you that! I am torn, my husband has offered to drive us to Maryland. But that is a 2 day drive and with 5 kids and not much money it is just too much. My sister has promised to tell me if she thinks I need to come out. Of course I want to drop everything and just go, but that is not practical at all.

She should be able to go home tomorrow. They removed the tube from her nose that was removing the bile from her stomach (sorry so graphic) so she was able to eat some clear things this afternoon/evening and keep them down. They said if she does the same at breakfast they will send her home. She goes in for radiation on Tuesday morning. Her spirits are good and she sounded very good when she called me this evening. She called me because she knew I would be worried about hearing she had pancreatitis.

All of the things I have been worrying about the last few weeks are forgotten. I could care less that I was unable to find a few things on my kids lists and unable to afford a lot more! None of that matters now.

We pretty much have to drive to Maryland when we all go as a family because it is too pricey to fly and we still have to rent a van big enough to fit us all which is a lot of money too. No one in my family has an extra vehical big enough for us to borrow. Even if we take the train, which is not as cheap as I thought anyway, we would still have to rent a vehical because they dont have auto trains from Missouri to Maryland. Then there is the hotel stay somewhere between here and there (usually around Indiana or Ohio) . . .you get the picture. I will hopefully be able to go sometime in Janurary or February by myself. That would not be too bad if I buy plane tickets early enough.

Well, thanks for praying for my mom. There is a man at our church named Lee who has the same cancer. His spread to his brain several months ago and he is not doing well at all. He can't drive anymore and is having balance issues and has fallen a few times. He is a young (under 50) father of 6 and is expecting his second grandbaby in May.

We are all recovering from sickness here, bronchitis, ear infections, upper respitory stuff etc and I started my natural hormone therepy this week too.

While talking after dinner together about Christmas and the fact that there is no Santa, our son looks at my husband and says, "Your an elephant!". Now my husband and I are both overweight so we thought it was a commentary on our size. We asked him what he meant and he said, "well, you said that you helped Santa so you are elves and your also parents, so your Elfhants!" We started cracking up. . .

quick update

Been crazy busy between the PTA, RIF, overflowing kitchen sink, home stuff and of course lets not forget the broken thumb by my son, the stomach bug that I picked up and now the cold that I managed to get as well. NEVER a dull moment! Got to get the kiddos ready for church.

Well the social worker visit came and went uneventfully. We will have to see how much it will cost us to have the lawyer come to our house for it though. Nothing came of it. She herself admitted that it was a bogus claim against us and was a waste of time. . .

Thanksgiving. . .

A quick post before I leave the comfort of my cozy bedroom with my husband. . .

I was awaken not by the alarm at 5:30 (am and am thankful) but by a tiny knock at my door, from my youngest, Robert. When I asked him what he needed he said "to give you something." I know that this something is a paper because Robert is almost 6 and in kindergarten and even before he started kindergarten he found any paper he could and wrote me notes! He loves to read and write. This one (wish I had my scanner hooked up. . .) was adorable. It said Happy Thanksgiving Mom and dad. Gobble Gobble. . .and had a drawing of a turkey on it. . .so cute.


Well, more later. Now I have pecan pie to make and Phase 10 to play with my kiddos!

I am trying not to be stressed, but it is getting difficult! Got a call yesterday afternoon from our lawyer informing us that we HAVE to meet with the social worker in our home. ARGH! I thought this was done with. But apparently it is not. So instead of just making pies and enjoying the day off with the kids, we are cleaning like mad and getting ready for our home "inspection" and interview with the kids. This is so frustrating for me.

Yesterday I spent the day working on things for the PTA at the elementary school. I am the chairperson for the Reading is Fundamental program and am getting ready for our first ever book distribution. When I came home, I was extremly tired. I rested for a bit in the afternoon, then had to go pick up my oldest from basketball practice. Then I came home and started dinner. I had to have my husband finish it. I was wiped out. I sat down to dinner and ate like 2 bites of dinner and I was just too tired to even eat. The brick wall I have heard about from other women who have had a hysterectomy. I have been feeling well and doing stuff.

So then today I had 3 Thanksgiving "feasts" at my younger 3 kids school. But before that I had to take my FIL to get an MRI. When I got home from that I simultaneously cleaned up the kitchen, made and ate breakfast, prepared mac and cheese for the feast, did laundry, checked PTA business on email, and made some calls. Then I went to the school for the feasts. Lots of bending to serve the kids, then lots of walking back and forth to get the kindergarten feast underway. Then I delivered the 5 boxes of books to the library for the RIF book distribution. I went home, had lunch and crashed! Gave the kids their snack when they came home, then went and picked up dd from basketball and other dd from art club. Then we went to the grocery store for milk and bread and "stuff". Next it was home to make dinner after the stuff was unloaded. At dinner again I was wiped out. I felt like I was hit by a mack truck! And I still had to help clean and get ready for the social worker visit. The kids really stepped up and did what they needed to with the help of my husband and I was pleasantly surprised and thankful. The smell of the cleaner mixed with my already tired body made it hard to do much else so after I scrubbed my bathroom I went to the store and got a few more things that were forgotten earlier. . .

Hopefully there will not be too much to do tomorrow and the social worker visit will be done and over with. . .I want to get this all behind us! Right now I need to figure out a way to get my 7 year old son out of my bed and into his own, then I think I will read and sleep! No alarm in the morning! Can't really sleep in with the impending visit, but wont have to be up at 5:30 either!

I am not even sure where to begin. . .or what to say! My head is pounding still from a migraine. I am used to migraines, but I had hoped that the hysterectomy would take them away. That did not happen, I wake up almost everyday with one now. Can't start hormones yet because of the endometriosis. Physically I am doing pretty well but emotionally I am a wreck! Might have something to do with the fact that I have not been able to sleep through the night since the surgery. Not sure. . . Kids are not being helpful, husband is some but not like I would like. I feel like I am being too demanding, but I don't think that they realize that this surgery was very hard on me. It may not seem like it because I am doing well. Most of the women on the hystersisters are not doing the things I am able to do now. Sure I get more tired more quickly, but overall I am doing pretty well. Just wish I could get my house in shape. Can't afford to have someone come help me though. Christmas is coming and bills are due. . .what else is new, right?

I really wanted to surprise my husband with a night or weekend away for his bday or while my mom was here. That did not happen though. Maybe next month for our anniversary. . .we will see. Money will be tighter then though I imagine. Maybe it will have to wait until January. We will see.

Oh well. . .thats about all now . . .just a jumble of disconnected whining as usual. . .

Yes, I am still alive. . .lol

not that anyone else is reading this, but I am still alive. Just busy with life. Recovery, visiting with my mom and normal life. . .lol

will try to write more soon. . .after I (start!!!) finish writing thank you notes to everyone who helped me after surgery. . .that needs to be done soon!

whine whine whine

Still recovering from surgery and am in a BAD mood. Been having migraines since last week, that sucks. Also my dd's sprayed (a LOT) of Febreeze in their room and it is NOT helping. Neither is the fact that my 9 year old just came into the room and told me that her sisters teddy bear hamster is MISSING! My 13 year old apparently did not close the cage well. . .or at all before she went to sleep at her friends house! ACK! We just killed a mouse that had taken up residence in our bedroom a couple of days ago. . .now this rodent is running around. I hate rodents running around. And of course there are plenty of places to hide around here since the kids have not been doing their chores at ALL, on the contrary, they have been making a bigger mess! They were off of school today, which drove me NUTS! I still cant drive so we were all stuck here! Me with a migraine and them making a mess and NOT doing their chores or getting ready for Grandma's visit monday! And of course my husband had to work late, which I understand, but it is still annoying. He is not yet back from taking the oldest dd to her friends house. The youngest boy fell asleep on our bed. Cant move him, heck I cant even move a gallon of milk yet! Would love to sleep in tomorrow but not sure if that will happen. There is a LOT to do tomorrow to get ready for my mom coming monday. I cant make house perfect and she does not expect it, but I am annoyed that my family is not stepping up and helping. I at least need to figure out a comfortable relatively clean place for her to sleep. . .

This weeks Monkey Punch!

This past week, right after my hysterectomy, my son on his way down the stairs in our front foyer to catch the bus, tripped down the stairs. He injured his big toe. My husband and I (who both heard him fall) came to ask him if he was okay. Although he seemed a little irritated and embarrassed (been there, done that. . .last time at my dd's middle school right in the middle of the hallway! OUCH!) he said he was fine. So off he went to catch the bus, then the younger 3 followed suit. My husband who had been home already for 1 full week taking care of me and the kids after my major surgery and 2 day stay at the hospital as well as manadory bed rest at home HAD to go into work that day. So after getting kids off to school and doing some things around the house (I cant even load the dishwasher!) he tried to log on and work from home. He soon discovered that he had to actually go into the office and "put out some fires". So in the early afternoon he went to work. When Z came home I asked him how his foot was and he said it was fine. A little while later he told me it hurt and when I looked at it I saw that it was bruised and figured he needed to get an xray. Not that it really matters with toes, because they cant do anything but confirm a fracture. They dont cast toes, they just wrap them. I could have done that at home. But I am always very cautious with my kids and their health, I would much rather take them to the doctor and have THEM tell me oh they are fine, no need to worry, you did not have to bring them in then to not bring them in and miss something major. So I called my husband and left a message telling him that he had to take Z to the doctor when he got home. Z did not feel like he needed to go, he said it was fine.

So jump forward a bit to around 10 pm, when my husband arrived home and agreed that he needed to go to the doctor. We briefly discussed whether or not we should take him into the urgent care clinic or the reg doctor the following day. It was decided that the urgent care clinic was the best thing to do, that way he would not miss any school. So my husband took Z to the urgent care clinic. After the urgent care clinic Z came home with a soft-sided “boot” to wear for his slightly broken big toe. The next morning not long after he left for school the urgent care clinic called back and said that the radiologist who checks the x-rays said his toe was in fact NOT broken at all.

That afternoon, about 5 minutes after my younger 3 kids got home from elementary school, I saw a woman coming to the door. Must be a sales person I thought. So I went to the door to get rid of her quickly (or so I thought!) by telling her I had just had surgery. She had an id badge hanging around her neck and a stack of papers and folders in her hands, but honestly I did not pay attention to her id badge, cause seems like everyone has one these days. She began by asking for my husband. I told her that he was not home but I was his wife. She then asked me if I was Z’s motheProbablybly not a salesperson I thought, but I still did not know who she was. After I told her I was Z’s mother she said “We have gotten a report that your son broke his leg and you did not seek medical attention for it.”

I responded by saying, “First of all he told that he broke is big toe last night and they already called this morning to say it was in fact NOT broken. And second of all, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!!” Only then did she “identify” herself as being from social services. A lot of the rest of the conversation is really a blur. To tell you the truth I was so shocked and totally annoyed that I can’t remember exactly what was said. I remember telling her that I had just had major surgery a WEEK ago and could not drive that is why my husband took our son in late in the evening. She also repeatedly asked me if she could come into my home and “look around”. Each time I told her, “Not without a search warrant you can’t”. She kept pushing that issue, like I was an idiot who did not know my rights. My other kids were on the steps behind me and she looked passed me and asked if those “were all my kids”. I told her, yes in fact they were all my children. I had 5 children and they were all my natural children and they were all healthy and fine.

Then she asked me if Zwas home. I told her no, that his bus did not get home for another 15 minutes and it came later then the other kids bus. She seemed to want to wait for him and I told her she was welcome to wait and see if he was indeed okay. I asked her for something in writing and she gave me a generic form with her name and todayÂ’s date. Then she got into her car and after a few minutes left. I waited in my foyer for ZÂ’s bus to insure that she did not try to talk to him alone or anything. Then I called my husband , who called our lawyer. Z arrived home around 4:10 and she was no where in sight and did not come back that evening.

Then I began running around and cleaning. . .doing all the things the doctor had forbidden me to do! Bending to pick things up, loading and unloading the dishwasher, washing dishes, doing laundry. . .all the things I had left for my husband and kids to do. I was beginning to hurt. Then one of my friends called back and said she had gotten at least one other lady from the church for sure and they would be there in an hour to help me crisis clean the house, in case they came back. I nearly burst into tears! Okay, I did. . .not that it was hard cause I had been doing that on and off since I closed the door on the social worker. I had not idea if or when she would show back up and if she would be alone or with a police officer and a search warrant! Talk about stressed out!

The next day I jumped everytime I heard a car pass and was looking out the window the whole day! I jumped out of my skin when a neighbor sent her son down to borrow some butter! Around 1:50, the phone rang and it was the social worker from the day before. She was cpositionto see if my positon from the previous day had “changed”. When I asked her what position, she said the one where I refused to allow her to come into my home. I assured her that no, my position had not changed. (I mean was there a constitutional amendment I did not know about in the past 12 hours!?!?!?) She then went on to insist that she needed the names and birthdates of each of my other children and that she wanted to interview each of them as well. Of course I told her no way was she going to be getting that information or doing that! I cited the fact that the “complaint” was against my husband and one son, Z, not the rest of the nonsensee spouted some nonesence about having the “right” to talk to all the children as well as to come into my home if she wanted to. I told her that I would double check with my lawyer and if he felt like she had a legal “right” to that information then I would give it to her at the meeting that afternoon. She was not happy at all. The last question she asked me was what school my son attended. I refused to give her that information as well. As I suspected when I spoke to my lawyer after that phone conversation he agreed that the information they requested was not needed by them and should not be given to them at all.

I had previously arranged for a friend to video tape the meeting scheduled for that afternoon. About 5 minutes before my friend arrived, the phone rang. This time it was the social workers supervisor. She was unclear about some things that had transpired at the first meeting and wanted to “clear some things up”. I told her I was more then happy to do just that. Then she proceeded to tell me that they did have the right to enter my home if they wanted to. I again reminded them that they were more then welcome to if they had a search warrant. She told me that she did not need a search warrant, she could come into my home whenever she felt it was needed. To which I responded, then why have you not been in there yet? Then I handed the phone to my husband. She continued to argue that they had the right to come into our home. She even went so far as to quote Senate Bill 757 saying it gave her that right. (We looked up that Senate bill later that evening and it is about deer hunting!). The conversation ended and we waited for the social worker to arrive. Meanwhile my younger kids arrived home from school and I sent them up to my friends house right away, as my lawyer had told me to do. My videographer and friend arrived and we all prayed together.

Then the woman arrived and we met her in the driveway of our home. When I asked her for her ID, she had to go to her car to get it. She began by asking my husband some questions. My son was next. Then she again asked to come into our home and to see the other kids. That is when we gave her our lawyers name and number. Before she left she filled out a form that stated that Z was indeed in a safe environment and my husband signed it. She tried to get us to sign a HIPA form, but we refused. She left after telling us that they would contact us to set up a time to meet with the other kids. We doubt that the lawyer will let that happen. There is no legal reason for it to happen.

AWESOME SITE

Hysterectomy Support by HysterSisters.com

Long road to recovery begins. . .

I am home from the hospital now, have been since Thursday afternoon. Finding it hard to rest. Lots going on here and my staples are sore. . .

Surgery at 7:30 am today

Off to surgery now. A little nervous and still have a migraine but overall very happy to be getting this done! Keep me in your prayers. . .if you read this

Red Lobster. . .or not. . .

Well today was my FIL's anniversary. . .of when he joined the Navy. Something like 66 years ago today! WOW! As usual he wanted to take us out to lunch, which for some reason causes a LOT of problems with my 5 ungrateful children! they all complain about where, do we have to go, not this place again, but I want to play with my friends instead. . .you name it they pull it. Well today, because of the anniversary, my FIL wanted to go to Red Lobster to celebrate. This sounded good to me! Sort of my last hurrah before my surgery and a place that none of the kids will complain about. So this morning as I made eggs for myself (and 3 of my other kids too!), I called the Red Lobster closest to us to see if they take reservations. And the one we normally go to is closed, so I call another one, that is further, but not too bad. They are open but do not take any reservations or even call ahead seating, so it is first come first serve.

So of course it is always hard to get everyone out of church in time to go home and get grandpa and go to a restarurant and get a decent seat with out a long wait. So we all rushed out of church and planned to meet at home to get grandpa then go get gas cause the van was practically on empty. We decided to wait on the gas and just go. Apparently my FIL told my husband that it did not have to be Red Lobster, just anywhere he can get shrimp. When I got into the van my husband tells me this and I am stumped. I do not have a clue what he would consider a good place to get shrimp, esp one that compare to Red Lobster. So we explain that we can go to where ever he wants and we dont mind driving to Red Lobster. He does not really say anything just throws his hands up. ARGH!! I hate having to decide something when I know there is the potential for him to get upset. Lets just say he is "set in his ways". Sometimes he can be very opinionated.

A little while later we arrive at RL and of course it is packed, afterall it is a Sunday afternoon, right? I go in to put our name in, followed by some of the kiddos. After I finally made my way through all the waiting people to put our name in, she tells me the wait is for 1 hour at least. As I turned around I shuffled the kids out too, cause I knew my FIL would not want to wait that long. Of course he did not. As we are leaving the restaurant a lady says to me, "He threw up." I looked at her like, huh?!?! She points to my youngest, who I am guiding out of the first lobby (you know between the 2 front doors), and repeats herself, "He just threw up.' Seemingly all at once I look at my son, who looks like he just threw up, right down to a dribble down the front of his sweatshirt, then at the lobby floor where a RL employee is putting napkins over what I presume is my sons "cookies", then back at the woman. Next I took off the offensive sweatshirt as we were (quickly) walking back to our van. We all pile into the van and my FIL says he wants to go to the Chinese buffet he sees next door. So we make our way over there, green little boy and all. When we got there I told my husband I was going to take our son to Kmart (it was in the same parking lot) and get him some medicine for his tummy. Even though the Kmart was close, my son no longer had a sweatshirt on and I did not want to make him walk feeling as bad as he was. A very short ride later we parked at the Kmart and I waited for my son to open his door before locking it. Apparently his arm was right where the lock is, cause he started screaming. I had pinched his arm in the lock when I locked the door. He climbed back in and over the driver seat to me and I carried him inside. Good thing he is a tiny 5 year old! I went and got the medicine for him and then some crackers and a new sweatshirt. I asked him if he wanted to go into the restaurant or just stay in the van. At first he said he wanted to stay in the van, then he changed his mind.

A few minutes later, after getting lots of sympathy (and some plastic bags!) from the Kmart cashier we arrived back at the buffet. He seemed like his normal perky self and we went inside with plans on eating white rice and maybe some noodles or other bland things. He ate some of that, and also ended up eating several chicken on a stick ( cooked in a teriaki sauce I think) and he even ordered a "Dr. Pibb". Everything seemed fine, I even got to eat some food. (it should be noted that he has had a recent history of feeling like this,esp when we were driving cross country. . .so this is not a new thing, just not usually when we are so close to home. . .) All of a sudden he says he thinks he needs to throw up and looks like it too! Remember this is a Sunday afternoon, and this place is packed. . .and HUGE. And where are we sitting? You guessed it all the way in the back corner, far from the bathroom, far from the front door and surrounded by families eating lunch. So I quickly asked my other son to go to the other side of the table so that I could scoot over closer to the wall to try to shield the other diners should anything "happen". The best thing I had to catch with was several napkins from the table. I tried to help my son and comfort him while at the same time looking for a way out that would not involve my son puking on or near other people eating their egg rolls. The front door might as well have been a mile away at this point! I asked my son if he thought he could make it to the van without throwing up. He said yes, so I grabbed my keys, my purse, his new sweatshirt and the napkins were at the ready, right near his face. We quickly left. No conversation, we just walked out. I think I might have told my husband "we are going to the van". I knew he realized that anyway and we did not have time for chit chat. . .or more tossing of cookies!

In the van my son was fine again and he saw my notebook from church and asked me if I had a pen. I gave him a pen and he wrote and drew for awhile. He has been fine ever since. No complaints before and none since. . . .

Our school has a 24 hour policy, if you throw up or have a fever you have to stay home until you have no fever or throw up for 24 hours. But given the fact that my son seems to have had this episode from car sickness and I have surgery to prepare for. . .he will be going to school! That is all I need,a sick kid on my last day to prepare for surgery. As it was I did not do much today. I had a migraine (still do). I did manage to make dinner, even though only my FIL, my youngest and myself bothered to eat. (the rest were asleep, out playing or over friends houses) Then he had to go to the grocery store, and so did I. When I got into the van I was met with a big E. We never did get gas earlier. So I filled up then went to the grocery store, then came home and put the stuff away, bathed the youngest, scrubbed my shower floor (gross textured finish. .argh), folded MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of clothes, washed more clothes, loaded and started the dishwasher, put the kids to bed, and then got a snack and came to blog. . . .

It is sad when going to the hospital to have a hysterectomy is like a vacation. . . .