Thursday, February 15, 2007
Rheumatoid arthritis- at least now I know that my pain and discomfort have a name. Most of all I am very irritated that I have to do this "alone". It is just really awful that I can't just call my mom up and talk to her about it. Even as I type those words I am still not sure they are real. But the past few weeks have been all too real. Most things kind of ran together. Minutes became hours and before I knew it days became weeks. It was just over a month ago that I went and saw my mother for the weekend. If only I had known that would be the last time I saw her. . .I would have done things differently. Not that there was anything I did that I don't think I should have. But if I had known that those days would be the last that I would spend with my mother here on earth, I would have savoured each moment and tried to remember it. I would have spoken every unspoken word of praise and love I felt. I would have taken pictures so that I could have something to hold on to instead of just the memories in my head. Even though she was sick for some time, I am still in shock as I think about her being gone from this world. I feel as if it is all some horrible dream. I suppose one reason I feel this way is that I never really got a chance to say goodbye to her at all. I went and saw her before she died, but she did not recognize me. That was hard for me. I suppose you can say that I don't feel like I had closure. I just feel empty. And sore. . . more later. . .